Sunday, September 25, 2011

Stolen Car

As many of our stories start or end or revolve around, we were at the bar. Every time we went to the bar Selena always seemed to drive. On this night that was a hot topic while the girls were getting ready and I sat on the couch waiting, trying not to pass out. Passing out early was my specialty for quite some time. Well this lighthearted argument started by Selena asking, “who is going to drive?”
                “I can’t drive, my car is stick shift,” Kari quickly responded.
                “My car isn’t big enough for all of us,” Andie came back with.
                 From the couch I shout, “I’m going to be too fucked up to get us there!” Why sit there and beat around the bush? I like to keep it real. Let’s be honest, I had just got a new bottle of amaretto. And with the 12 ounces of sour mix left over from my last amaretto getaway, I had the perfect amount to finish the bottle. I like to try to pace myself, it’s a fast pace, but pacing nonetheless.

With all of us saying were going to be too drunk to drive, Andie and Kari’s answers were code for such, Selena decided this was not a battle worth fighting. We piled in her ’93 Caddy and headed to the bars. We get to our usual spot, “The Urinal.” I nicknamed it “The Urinal” because a) I really didn’t like that place, b) I witnessed someone peeing on the dance floor, and c) it was in the basement of the building and was warm and had a faint smell of urine lingering in the air.

Once inside “The Urinal” we took our normal places, the girls on the dance floor and me leaning against the bar. We always met up on the dance floor once my muscles were warmed up after the many drinks I bicep-curled up to my mouth. We kept doing our own thing, I was chest pumping with no one and the girls were sexually assaulted on the dance floor by the black Roxbury brothers. Again, the usual. This night it was all four of us and only us four that went back to our apartment. Consequently Kari, Andie, and I were all too drunk to drive. Selena who had seen this coming had prepared to drive. This night Kari had more than enough to drink. We get to our apartment and at this point Kari’s condition had hit critical mass. She was ready to vomit and pass out. Now when Kari vomits she will pass out the instant she is done. There is nothing even close to a rally. She also can’t postpone the eruption. So this is a very delicate time and the window to get her in a safe place is small. The condition had deteriorated exponentially; there was not enough time to park the car. We raced out of the car and got to the back-driver’s side door, pulled Kari out of the car by her shoulders, she was seconds from being a child’s volcano science fair project. We left the car sitting in the middle of the parking lot with the doors open and the car was running. We lived in the middle of Iowa, Mayberry had more to worry about. We get her safe and comfortable around the toilet. Immediately she hugged the throne and paid proper homage.

Once she was settled in we remembered how we left Selena’s car. We stroll downstairs to see that the car wasn’t there anymore. The moment I noticed that her car wasn’t there, I freaked out while all color drained from Selena’s well bronzed face. My anger was real but I had no one to direct it toward. Fists in the air I started yelling at the heavens, I kept yelling, “What the Hell! Who steals a car?! Who the fuck?!” This continued for a couple of minutes, my directionless anger then shifted topics; fists still in the air, I started yelling about how this is exactly why Selena shouldn’t be forced to drive-as if this only happened because Selena drove. Finally, Selena, the owner of the car, tries settling me down. We start searching for her car. I, being the helpful jackass, start looking under cars and behind trees. What the hell would that do for us?! So after the shock of not finding anything under the other cars we direct our search to the rest of the apartment complex’s parking lot. We walked to the other side of our building to find the car in the middle of the parking lot with all of the doors open and engine still running. Calmed down a little more, I was able to fixate my anger toward an arbitrary window on the opposite side of our building. I was yelling at how inconsiderate it was to move the car and leave the car running. I remember using the phrases, “gas is not cheap! You could have turned the car off! Who knows how long we were going to leave the car!” The last argument really set off Selena’s laughter she had been subduing. With her laughter a light switch in my head went from pissed off to totally ok with the situation. We sat there laughing, car still in the state we found it, for a few minutes. Finally, Selena and I look at each other and simultaneously asked, “should we go back to the bar?” Being that it was only midnight we went back to finish the night like champs! Do we have a drinking problem? Maybe/who cares!

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